A few days ago, I got the opportunity to see the new Ant-Man movie with my best friend. Needless to say, it was something wonderfully special, and I discovered the great need to share my thoughts on the subject with you.
SBC Presents…
*deep inhale*
“Chrisi’s 70 Thoughts on Ant-Man!”
Enjoy.
[Warning: Spoilers Ahead]
1. Is that Peggy Carter?!
2. Is that old Mr. Stark?!
3. Yeah, you go, Dr. Pym. Don’t let that guy say bad stuff about your wife. He’s probably a jerk anyway.
4. …interesting opening song…
5. Why, hello there, Paul Rudd.
6. I like this Mexican guy, jussayin’. I hope he stays.
7. Ooooh, Paul Rudd in pink.
8. “Baskin-Robbins always finds out” will now be my new phrase.
9. Don’t you fire him, Mr. Baskin Robins guy–you just fired him, didn’t you?
10. Awwwww, that’s the best ugly bunny present ever!
11. Hey, ex-wife, he’s trying, ok? Cut the man some slack and let him play with his kid, m’kay?
12. DARREN CROSS, DID YOU JUST JELLY YOUR UNDERLING ‘CAUSE WE DON’T DO THAT KINDA CRAY HERE!!
13. Is that…is that a cute Russian hacker?
14. I want a cute Russian hacker.
15. Ok, maybe not, but still. Lookin’ good, good sir.
16. I can’t be the only one who thinks this is a lot of preparation without knowing who you’re robbing or what he has in his vault.
17. Such sneaky. Much thievery. Very wow.
18. I’m going to ignore the fact that busting down the safe door with liquid nitrogen probably takes a lot longer than they showed here because science.
19. What? That’s not a motorcycle suit! Do you have any idea what you’re holding there, Mr. Rudd???
19. Try on the suit try on the suit try on the suit
20. DARREN CROSS, DID YOU JUST TURN THAT BEAUTIFUL BABY LAMB INTO JELLY, TOO?!! WHAT KIND OF SICK PSYCHOPATH ARE YOU???!!!
21. I never knew that bathtubs looked like ivory wastelands on a small scale.
22. New baseless fear: shrinking and then getting stomped on by a girl with insanely big platform shoes.
23. B-but…but he just got released from prison! PAXTON, snap it!!
24. You ride that ant, Paul Rudd!
25. Um…so what’s with the Edna Mode hairdo, Ms. Evangeline Lily? Just curious.
26. Mr. Douglas, could you please teach me the art of Ant-Controlling, ’cause I feel like I need that skill?
27. But the crazy ants just want some hugs, Mr. Rudd. Just lookit how much they love you.
28. I feel your running-into-doors pain, Mr. Rudd.
29. Heh heh. Evangeline Lily’s beating him up. Heh heh.
30. IS THAT FALCON???
31. “Hi, I’m Ant-Man.”
32. This Falcon vs. Ant-Man fight is like seriously the best thing, jussayin’.
33. Oh, I am so telling Cap, Falcon. You are not gonna live this one down.
34. Darren. Cross. You…just…asdfghhjkl!
35. Ok. I need an Ant-Man suit so I can jump on my friends and make them scream. Somebody who can science, work on that pronto.
36. There’s the cute Russian hacker again. I probably should’ve gotten a name earlier, ’cause I honestly don’t remember it. Your fabulous hair and voice distracted me!
37. Yay for Michael Pena saving the guard he clonked out!
38. The keychain was a real tank??? How did I not see this earlier????!
39. You put that Yellow Jacket suit down, stop terrorizing innocent barbecuing neighbors, and get some therapy, Mr. Cross. That particle’s screwing with your brain something fierce.
40. That…that was the most awful death since Thranduil’s elk and Thain’s war pig both died in Battle of the Five Armies. Poor Antony…
41. Ok, no, this fight scene in Cassie’s bedroom is the best thing I’ve ever seen.
42. Oh. Dat’s one big ant. I am weirdly ok with this.
43. BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
44. Oh, Thomas the Tank Engine, you are the greatest thing!
45. *still laughing hysterically*
46. Ok. Being serious now.
47. New unbased fear #2: if I move even a little bit, I’ll go subatomic and never get big again.
48. Shrinking is triiiiiiiiippy.
49. What if he finds The Wasp in there?
50. Nah, too soon. They at least need another movie to do that successfully. The original Wasp can’t come back yet.
51. Now that’s Dad Skillz right there, just appearing out of nowhere in a cool suit after defeating the bad guy.
52. They’re keeping the ant as a pet. That’s the best thing.
53. I want an ant-dog.
54. Awww, Paxton, you can be really fantastic. You know that?
55. Luis’ story scenes are for literal something special and wonderful and must continue on in the upcoming sequels.
56. I HAVE FOUND THE STAN LEE!! YUSSSS!!!
57. Awww…it’s over…
58. That was so much fun!
59. Oooh, wait! That’s right. End credits scene!
60. Awww, yesss. The Wasp II. I can get on board this (just please ditch the haircut, Evangeline, thanks).
61. Gotta wait a little longer just in case there’s another end credits scene.
62. Ooooh, there is there is.
63. …is…is that…
64. OH MY FLIPPING GOODNESS IT’S BUCKYYYYYY!!
(Note: not actual footage from “Ant-Man.” I couldn’t find stills from that scene anywhere… -_-)
65. BUCKYYYYYYYY!!!!!
66. Oh, Bucky, what happened to you? Why’s your arm stuck? What’s wrong? Where have you been? What do you remember? Do you need a blankie and cocoa and hugs?
67. Poor baby…
68. asdfhhkllloihyfsadxgfcjhbkln;jpsgsjhfgvlpaf!!!!!
69. *dies at least twice*
70. Let’s see this again!
Bonus Thoughts:
71. Marvel and Disney, there’d better be some amazing sequels to this film or I will riot. Absolutely riot.
72. All in all, excellent job, good sirs and ma’ams on the production teams! *applause*
73. Now please excuse me. I’ve got a Bucky that needs comforting asap.
God bless! 😀
– Chrisi
Something by Chrisi 