Not Okay: An MK’s Struggle with Discontentment

Last week, I had the opportunity to share my testimony before my classmates during chapel.  It was an amazing opportunity, and God definitely showed up to give me the courage to speak.  For days afterwards, quite a few people came up to thank me for sharing my testimony and explaining how it really impacted them.  To hear such praise is quite humbling because, honestly, the only reason why I was even able to get up out of my chair after I was introduced that day was because of the Holy Spirit’s leading.  Sharing my testimony, it seems, was not just a way for me to process through my own spiritual growth.  It also contained some things that other people in the audience needed to hear.  For that I am beyond thankful and humbled.

In light of this, I thought that others who were not able to come to the Senior Testimony chapel that day would like to hear my speech for themselves.  I don’t have a copy of the video, but I do have the official transcript I wrote.  A lot of it is built off of a post I wrote last year when I was struggling through figuring out where I belonged in the world (which you can read here), but there are some other insights in there as well.

I hope you enjoy reading my testimony in light of my struggle with discontentment, and I pray that God uses it to touch your life, too.

Blessings!

– Chrisi

 

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Hey, guys!

My name’s Chrisi.  I’m a Comm major with an emphasis in Advertising and Graphic Design.  I do know quite a few of you personally, but I think it’s probably safe to assume that basically everyone on campus at least knows of me because of this fluffy brown cloud.  [points to hair]  I’ve been told that it looks like a lion’s mane and that it matches my personality.  Do what you will with that information.

Some other random introductory information about me:  I’m twenty-one and the oldest of four kids and a dog.  My favorite colors are black and red, I write books and graphic novels, I love listening to Asian pop music, and I honestly probably watch too much anime and way too many Asian dramas in my free time.

When I was about seven or eight years old, I figured that I might as well become a Christian.  Everyone else in my immediate family was, so it made sense for me to become one, too; however, all I ended up doing was just praying a canned prayer and continuing on with my life.  Nothing changed in me, but deep down inside I knew that something was definitely wrong.  It felt like I was locked up inside of myself with no way out.  I begged and pleaded with God to just open up my heart, but I was so focused on myself that I honestly didn’t realize that the lock was on the inside with me the whole time.  When I finally did listen to God’s still, small voice breaking through my hardheadedness, I learned one of my very first spiritual lessons: surrender.  On that day almost twelve years ago when I finally surrendered everything to God, I felt free and truly content for the first time in my life.

Surrender definitely hasn’t been the only thing I’ve learned during my new Christian life.  I could spend hours upon hours telling you about every little thing God has been doing in my life, but there’s one thing in particular that I would like to share with you all today, something I’ve struggled with for a long time.

I am not content with where I am.

I’m an MK, a Missionary Kid.  My parents work for the Evangelical Free Church of America, and I was born in Prague, Czech Republic when my parents were stationed there.  I’ve lived in three countries (including the States, where we’re stationed now), I’ve visited many others, and moved more times than I care to count.  As an MK, I also get the pleasure of dealing with something that all MKs worldwide encounter: The Questions.

Now I can’t really see any of you – which is fantastic for my nerves – but I don’t have see my fellow MKs in the audience to know that they’re all at least nodding internally.  You all know what I’m talking about.  The moment that anyone finds out that you’re a Missionary Kid, The Questions start tumbling out: how many countries have you been to?  How many languages do you speak?  How do you say chair or dog or my name in your language?  Does your family celebrate any weird holidays?  How many people have you lead to Christ?  Do you eat insects?  Do you want to be a missionary like your parents when you grow up?  And my absolute favorite: wooooow!!  You’re so big now!  Do you remember me?  I met you when you were this tall!

…Uhhhhh…nope.  Pretty sure I don’t remember anything from when I was this tall besides discovering my undying fear of heights when I got stuck in the apple tree in my backyard (true story).  But let me pretend like I do and then when you leave I’ll go run to my mom and ask her who in the world you are.

Now I grew up having to field those kinds of questions my whole life, but two decades of that eventually started bothering me.  After returning to campus in Spring 2015 after being on internship in the Fall, I discovered that there were quite a few new people to meet and The Questions started up again.

And I got ticked off.  Really ticked off.

I couldn’t explain it very well in the moment.  I honestly wasn’t even sure what my problem was.  All I knew was that I desperately didn’t want anyone to ask me where I was from, because, honestly, how in the world am I supposed to answer that?  I was born in Czech, but I’m not Czech.  I don’t have dual citizenship.  My earliest memories are of living in Germany, but I’m not German.  Neither one of those cultures would ever consider me as one of their own.  My citizenship is United States, but that’s not really helpful, either.  Where in the States am I from?  My dad’s from North Dakota, my mom’s from Tennessee, they met at seminary in South Carolina, and we’ve lived for various periods of time in three States.  It doesn’t help that because of my overseas experience I don’t quite fit into stereotypical Caucasian United States culture all the time anyway.

I am not content with where I am.

After growing progressively more and more frustrated over the weeks that Spring, God’s still quiet voice finally broke through my self-centeredness again while I was praying and whining one day.  “You want to know why you’re upset, Chrisi?”  He asked.  “It’s because you don’t have a home.  You don’t belong anywhere.  You have no physical roots grounding you to somewhere.  You’ve always been on the move, and there’s nowhere on earth that is your home.”

I gotta say, that was really sobering.  I had the whole planet in front of me, and not a single, solitary place on it felt like home.  I realized I was like a ghost, floating around and passing through but unable to actually reach out and grab anything.  And I didn’t like knowing that.

One of the infinitely awesome things about God is that He doesn’t just open your eyes to your problem and then leave you to figure it out for yourself.  He’s a God of loving kindness, and at that moment last Spring when I felt more distant from and discontented with the world than ever before He wasn’t finished speaking.

“So if nowhere on this earth is your home,” he asked, “then where is home?”

A good while of furious thinking, Scripture researching, and praying later, I came to the answer: if nowhere on this physical earth is home, then that can only mean that I wasn’t meant to stay here.  It means that my home isn’t this broken, sinful, temporal planet I’m standing on.  My home is whole, perfect, and eternally with God, and only there will I finally be completely satisfied, perfectly contented.  As the psalmist wrote in Psalm 91, I “[dwell] in the shelter of the Most High [and] abide in the shadow of the Almighty.  I will say to the LORD, ‘My refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust’… [God] will cover [me] with His pinions and under His wings [I] will find refuge… [I] have made the LORD [my] dwelling place.”  He is my perfect home.

So for a little while after that I was pretty content with where I was.  And then this Spring happened.

Have you ever heard of the phrase “mad as a March hare,” or something like it?  It’s an English idiom that basically describes someone who behaves in an excitable and unpredictable manner, supposedly because European hares do random stupid stuff during breeding season in March.  I don’t suffer from that (thank goodness), but I do have to deal with this thing I like to call, “Where-is-Gandalf-with-my-adventure syndrome.”  It’s seasonal.  Happens every Spring and Fall.  I get this massive urge to throw everything I own into a backpack and go tromping through the woods and plains for weeks on end and never see a single, solitary human being the whole time.  I want to see things I’ve never seen before, go places I’ve never been before, meet an Elf, go dungeon crawling, destroy some possessed jewelry, important stuff, y’know?  During the peak of this syndrome, I end up whining internally because I was clearly born in the wrong century and on the wrong planet.  I just want to hear a knock on my door, see Gandalf standing there, and yell, “I AM COMING DON’T YOU DARE LEAVE WITHOUT ME, GOOD SIR” before he can say anything.

For once in my life, though, I actually do have an adventure lined up.  I’ll be spending five weeks in China with ELIC this Summer.  And I was super content about that when I found out I was going in January.  But in the past month or so I’ve started feeling the agitation return, and I’ve caught myself thinking again:

I am not content with where I am.

Every jet I hear roaring overhead, every birdsong, every slap of the wind on my face just makes me want to get on that plane to China.  Right.  Now.  I don’t want to wait.  I don’t like waiting.  I just want to get there and enjoy my time with the kids and seeing how God will work in those five weeks.  I want to go on my adventure.

But, as you’ve probably already guessed, God’s still, small voice has had some things to tell me lately.  “What about here?  Aren’t you on an adventure right now?”

That felt like getting hit in the face with a volleyball.  Am I on an adventure now?  Sure doesn’t feel like it with all of these papers, presentations, meetings, and grad school apps.  But when I feel like life is a drag and that all of the fun, interesting, and important stuff is only ahead, God has to bring me back down to reality.  See, I assume that my adventure doesn’t start until my tennis shoes hit Chinese soil.  In being so focused on the future, though, I’m missing out on today.  I’m missing out on the opportunities and the people and the blessings that God has placed in front of me right now.  I’m completely blind to the real adventure I’ve already been on for twelve years: living moment by moment with God.

I am not content with where I am.

It used to be that whenever I said that, it meant that I wasn’t okay with where I was physically.  Some days that’s still the case.  But lately I find myself not being content with staying where I am spiritually, which is my third point.  I’m not content with being spiritually stagnate, getting so used to the daily grind that I forget that I live life with the One, True, Living God.  I want to keep moving forward in my relationship with Him, to find my contentment in Him, not be constantly distracted by this world or my own selfishness.

All this talk about contentment doesn’t just apply to me.  If you believe in and follow Jesus, then your home isn’t a physical building on this earth.  It’s with God both on this side of eternity and on the next.  You can be content in knowing that.  Every last one of you is also on an adventure whether you realize it or not.  Your daily walk with God is the most epic quest you’ll ever go on.  You may not get to explore every corner of Middle-earth or become a Jedi, but God has given you your own adventure.  One uniquely suited just for you, and it’s far greater and more satisfying than anything you’ll ever read or watch on TV.  Yes, there will be times when you and I will become so self-absorbed that we forget the journey we’re on and, yes, it will definitely be hard.  God never promised us easy.  But like I’m so fond of saying, if it were easy it would be boring.  You’re on the most epic journey with the Living God, given the amazing opportunity to keep growing closer to Him, given the promise of having a perfect, eternal home with Him.

Are you content with where you are?

Go the Distance

Confession: I’m an awful long-distance runner.

I still remember one track and field meet when I was in fourth grade.  Every elementary school in the area was required to attend, so that was the only reason why I was there.  But I got to wear a cool tie-dyed t-shirt that I had made myself, so it wasn’t too bad.  The only event I wanted to participate in was the very last race: one lap around the track.  Most of the other students didn’t want to be in that event, so I was only racing against five, six kids tops. Everyone else preferred the 100 meter dashes or the long jumps.

Needless to say, I was pretty pumped.  I was a fast runner who was always one of the top five kids to reach the line in my phys. ed. class.  Plus my whole class was watching from the bleachers.  There was no way I was gonna lose this.

I set myself on my lane, which was the outermost one.  I took a quick glance back at my competition.  Now I may not have been the type to smirk and gloat outwardly, but I felt pretty sure that I had this one in the bag.  After all, these kids from other classes and schools didn’t know how fast I could go.  I’d win this, and then my classmates might actually notice and like me for once.

The whistle sounded, and I shot off like a flare.  But, see, a flare can only go so high before it peeters out and dies away.  I got about halfway around the track when I felt my adrenaline bottom out.  I tried to push myself back up to my former speed, but if there’s no gas in the tank the car won’t go.

So I just had to watch as one, two, all of my competitors flew past me and crossed the finish line.  To my credit, I suppose, I finished the race…at a strained jog and about seven or eight seconds behind the last person.  There was no applause or even one person shouting “Nice try!” when I finally crossed the line.  There was only my raging heartbeat in my ears and shamed thoughts banging around in my head.  I felt just awful.

It’s accurate to say that I learned a few things that day: the outside lane was harder to run even though it looked like it put me closer to the finish line than everyone else, I wasn’t an athlete, I had to pace myself, I couldn’t get recognition from running, and I was a sprinter with no endurance to make it farther than 200 meters at a time.  Even now I still haven’t figured out the pacing thing, so I know I’m super screwed in the extremely unlikely event of a zombie apocalypse.

But lack of endurance didn’t just plague my running.

I’ve struggled for years (especially in high school and in my first two years of college) with…well, giving up.  I get super excited about certain projects and opportunities.  I put everything I am and have into pursuing those dreams…but in about six months or so my drive is gone, my energy tank is empty, and I give up.  Like a sprinter, I can only go so fast for so long before I fall over exhausted.  After all, to keep going means investing more time and energy that I don’t have into something that may or may not end up working out.  Just the thought of that is exhausting.

Excuses pile up.  Maybe later.  I’m just super busy right now.  Why don’t you go on without me, and I’ll get back with you if I can.  I’m just struggling with a writer’s block right now.  It was just a really impractical idea, anyway.

Nothing gets done.  Novels I meant to write just pile up in the corner.  Friendships I meant to pursue fade away.  Projects I started so excitedly never get finished just because it takes too much effort to keep them up.  And then I get frustrated and angry with myself for not persisting to the end.  I tell myself that I’ll definitely finish this next project…only to let it slide away after six months or so.  A horrible cycle of good starts left to rot because of my inability to stick with it to the end.

You want to know what’s really cool, though?  The fact that God never just leaves us where we are.  That would be easy enough to do, and He would definitely be justified in choosing to do that.  After all, we – as creatures enamored with our own sin and rebelliousness – deserve nothing but punishment from the perfect, holy, sinless God.  But that’s what grace is all about: God giving us good blessings that we definitely didn’t earn just because He loves us so much.  It’s mind boggling.

The thing with running is that, with practice, your stamina improves.  You’re able to run longer and faster with more ease.  I’ve discovered that life with God is kind of like that, too.  Through various trials and challenges that God has placed in my life, I’ve learned to keep going, to fight for what is good and right, to endure beyond what I think I can.

This lesson has been particularly poignant for the past two years.  God has placed a great variety of people and opportunities on my path and said, “Go for it.  Go for it and don’t hold back.  I know you can’t see the endgame for any of these, but you have to trust Me and keep going until I close the door.  You have to really believe Me when I say that this is for your good and will be so worth it in the end.”

I’ve been asked to pray crazy hard prayers for strangers, friends, and coworkers who still have no idea (and never will know) that I was praying for them.  I’ve been asked to love and be kind and patient with customers at work who are mean, rude, and entitled.  I’ve been asked to stay out a semester of college to work full time, having to rely on God to give me a good attitude about my job when I didn’t want to be there.  I’ve been asked to listen to my coworkers’ problems and simply offer support and encouragement.  I’ve been asked to reach out and befriend people even though it was awkward, and I’ve been asked to pursue so many different post-college options.  In all of these situations I didn’t know why God wanted me to do those things.  And I still don’t really know why most of it happened, even wondering if there was a purpose at all.

But I do know that I’m not what I used to be.  Through all of those challenges God somehow turned a girl who despised herself for always giving up into a girl who fights for people and opportunities even when she can’t see the end result.  He taught me how to endure, how to trust in Him even when it doesn’t make sense, to want His plans for my life instead of what I make up on my own.

Am I perfect at enduring?  Do I never rebelliously go do my own thing even though I know it’s wrong?  Am I never tempted to give up on people or opportunities?

That’s a laugh.

No.  Absolutely not.  I’m an imperfect human living in an imperfect world surrounded by other imperfect people.  I fail at enduring and trusting and believing in God all the time.  Sometimes I forget that He loves me, that He’s always with me, that He never allows anything to happen in my life without a greater purpose.  Sometimes I forget that He’s perfect, that He cares, that He listens to me and answers me.

But sprinters don’t just wake up one day with the ability to run a double marathon.  Likewise Christians don’t wake up one day with everything in their lives all perfect and rosy.  It’s a process.  Some days it’s easy to get up and run the race.  Other days you’d rather not even look at the track, much less run on it; yet, on good days and bad days and every day in between, God is still with us.  We rely on Him for our strength.  We trust in Him to help us endure the hard things in life.  And when it seems like we can’t run anymore, we’re invited to rest in His loving arms and to persist anyway.

Is it hard?  Oh, yeah.  But is it worth it?  Absolutely.

So keep turning to God in everything.  He knows what you’re going through, and He’s not about to let you run the race on your own.  Let Him hold your hand as you run, and let Him bring other Christians into your life to support and encourage you.  The course is full of hills, valleys, level areas, and spots filled with briars, and sometimes other people seem to have easier or harder courses than yours.  But you’re a runner.  Your job isn’t to look at everyone else’s lanes.  Keep your eyes on your own lane and on the finish line ahead, and I know you’ll make it.

 

“Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God.” – Hebrews 12:1-2

 

Fight the good fight.  Finish the race.  Keep the faith.  (2 Timothy 4:7)

Love you all!

– Chrisi –

Chrisi’s 70 Thoughts on “Ant-Man”

A few days ago, I got the opportunity to see the new Ant-Man movie with my best friend.  Needless to say, it was something wonderfully special, and I discovered the great need to share my thoughts on the subject with you.

SBC Presents…

*deep inhale*

Enjoy.

[Warning: Spoilers Ahead]

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1.  Is that Peggy Carter?!

2.  Is that old Mr. Stark?!

3.  Yeah, you go, Dr. Pym.  Don’t let that guy say bad stuff about your wife.  He’s probably a jerk anyway.

4.  …interesting opening song…

5.  Why, hello there, Paul Rudd.

6.  I like this Mexican guy, jussayin’.  I hope he stays.

7.  Ooooh, Paul Rudd in pink.

8.  “Baskin-Robbins always finds out” will now be my new phrase.

9.  Don’t you fire him, Mr. Baskin Robins guy–you just fired him, didn’t you?

10.  Awwwww, that’s the best ugly bunny present ever!

11.  Hey, ex-wife, he’s trying, ok?  Cut the man some slack and let him play with his kid, m’kay?

12.  DARREN CROSS, DID YOU JUST JELLY YOUR UNDERLING ‘CAUSE WE DON’T DO THAT KINDA CRAY HERE!!

13.  Is that…is that a cute Russian hacker?

14.  I want a cute Russian hacker.

15.  Ok, maybe not, but still.  Lookin’ good, good sir.

16.  I can’t be the only one who thinks this is a lot of preparation without knowing who you’re robbing or what he has in his vault.

17.  Such sneaky. Much thievery. Very wow.

18.  I’m going to ignore the fact that busting down the safe door with liquid nitrogen probably takes a lot longer than they showed here because science.

19.  What?  That’s not a motorcycle suit!  Do you have any idea what you’re holding there, Mr. Rudd???

19.  Try on the suit try on the suit try on the suit

20.  DARREN CROSS, DID YOU JUST TURN THAT BEAUTIFUL BABY LAMB INTO JELLY, TOO?!!  WHAT KIND OF SICK PSYCHOPATH ARE YOU???!!!

21.  I never knew that bathtubs looked like ivory wastelands on a small scale.

22.  New baseless fear: shrinking and then getting stomped on by a girl with insanely big platform shoes.

23.  B-but…but he just got released from prison!  PAXTON, snap it!!

24.  You ride that ant, Paul Rudd!

25.  Um…so what’s with the Edna Mode hairdo, Ms. Evangeline Lily?  Just curious.

26.  Mr. Douglas, could you please teach me the art of Ant-Controlling, ’cause I feel like I need that skill?

27.  But the crazy ants just want some hugs, Mr. Rudd.  Just lookit how much they love you.

28.  I feel your running-into-doors pain, Mr. Rudd.

29.  Heh heh.  Evangeline Lily’s beating him up.  Heh heh.

30.  IS THAT FALCON???

31.  “Hi, I’m Ant-Man.”

32.  This Falcon vs. Ant-Man fight is like seriously the best thing, jussayin’.

33.  Oh, I am so telling Cap, Falcon.  You are not gonna live this one down.

34.  Darren.  Cross.  You…just…asdfghhjkl!

35.  Ok.  I need an Ant-Man suit so I can jump on my friends and make them scream.  Somebody who can science, work on that pronto.

36.  There’s the cute Russian hacker again.  I probably should’ve gotten a name earlier, ’cause I honestly don’t remember it.  Your fabulous hair and voice distracted me!

37.  Yay for Michael Pena saving the guard he clonked out!

38.  The keychain was a real tank???  How did I not see this earlier????!

39.  You put that Yellow Jacket suit down, stop terrorizing innocent barbecuing neighbors, and get some therapy, Mr. Cross.  That particle’s screwing with your brain something fierce.

40.  That…that was the most awful death since Thranduil’s elk and Thain’s war pig both died in Battle of the Five Armies.  Poor Antony…

41.  Ok, no, this fight scene in Cassie’s bedroom is the best thing I’ve ever seen.

42.  Oh.  Dat’s one big ant.  I am weirdly ok with this.

43.  BAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

44.  Oh, Thomas the Tank Engine, you are the greatest thing!

45.  *still laughing hysterically*

46.  Ok.  Being serious now.

47.  New unbased fear #2: if I move even a little bit, I’ll go subatomic and never get big again.

48.  Shrinking is triiiiiiiiippy.

49.  What if he finds The Wasp in there?

50.  Nah, too soon.  They at least need another movie to do that successfully.  The original Wasp can’t come back yet.

51.  Now that’s Dad Skillz right there, just appearing out of nowhere in a cool suit after defeating the bad guy.

52.  They’re keeping the ant as a pet.  That’s the best thing.

53.  I want an ant-dog.

54.  Awww, Paxton, you can be really fantastic.  You know that?

55.  Luis’ story scenes are for literal something special and wonderful and must continue on in the upcoming sequels.

56.  I HAVE FOUND THE STAN LEE!!  YUSSSS!!!

57.  Awww…it’s over…

58.  That was so much fun!

59.  Oooh, wait!  That’s right.  End credits scene!

60.  Awww, yesss.  The Wasp II.  I can get on board this (just please ditch the haircut, Evangeline, thanks).

61.  Gotta wait a little longer just in case there’s another end credits scene.

62.  Ooooh, there is there is.

63.  …is…is that…

64.  OH MY FLIPPING GOODNESS IT’S BUCKYYYYYY!!

(Note: not actual footage from “Ant-Man.” I couldn’t find stills from that scene anywhere… -_-)

65.  BUCKYYYYYYYY!!!!!

66.  Oh, Bucky, what happened to you?  Why’s your arm stuck?  What’s wrong?  Where have you been?  What do you remember? Do you need a blankie and cocoa and hugs?

67.  Poor baby…

68.  asdfhhkllloihyfsadxgfcjhbkln;jpsgsjhfgvlpaf!!!!!

69.  *dies at least twice*

70.  Let’s see this again!

Bonus Thoughts:

71.  Marvel and Disney, there’d better be some amazing sequels to this film or I will riot.  Absolutely riot.

72.  All in all, excellent job, good sirs and ma’ams on the production teams!  *applause*

73.  Now please excuse me.  I’ve got a Bucky that needs comforting asap.

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God bless!  😀

– Chrisi

How to Draw the Human Head – Speed Sketch

And another speed drawing made by yours truly that I’ll leave right here.

DISCLAIMER!: Background song is “Make-believe” by Jiro Wang, which can be found on his 2012 album “What Are You Waiting For.”  I don’t own this song and am only using it for fun/educational purposes.

God bless you!

– Chrisi –

SBC Video – Speed Inking

Hey, guys!

So I just made my very first drawing tutorial video.  It’s a speed inking, which means that I show you my inking process sped up about 400x.  Apologies for the audio quality.  My microphone isn’t the greatest thing since sliced bread, but I hope you enjoy this video anyway.

God bless!

– Chrisi

“Avengers: Age of Ultron” Review

Last Friday I had a wonderful girls-day with my bestie.  Not only did we sing along to the 25th Anniversary stage version of The Phantom of the Opera, make friendship bracelets, and eat couscous for dinner, but we also went to see the newest Avengers movie.

My bestie and I are both big Marvel fans, though I’m the one who studies up on the whole Universe and knows a bunch of random yet still relatable facts about, well, everything and everyone.  As such, this review will refer back to many things in the Marvel Universe (MU) and look forward to what’s coming next.

Translation: Spoilers Ahead.

You’ve been warned.

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PLOT:

Age of Ultron is (shock and horror) about Ultron, an A.I. created by Tony Stark in an effort to keep peace worldwide.  Unfortunately for everyone, Ultron sees all of the pain and evil happening because of humanity and decides that a world filled with flesh and blood people cannot ever have true, lasting peace.  True peace, he believes, can only happen when humanity is dead and the world is ruled by machines.

To help him with his world domination plan, Ultron recruits the Maximoff twins: Scarlet Witch and Quicksilver.  That plan goes awry, though, when the twins come to realize just how unjust and twisted Ultron actually is.

Alliances change, one hero dies, another hero is born, some romance-y side stories get added in, lots of robots get beaten up, and Captain America rips a log in half with his bare hands.

While the plot was ultimately pretty generic and nothing I haven’t seen fifty times before, it was quite a fun movie and definitely something I’d watch again.  But while we’re here in the plot section, let me take a few minutes to discuss some specific things that stuck out to me from the movie.

First off, the foreshadowing.

Oh, goodness, the foreshadowing.

There was a lot.

Those of you who don’t study the Marvel Encyclopedia, or who haven’t kept up with the comics all these years, or who don’t have a knowledgeable friend who’s already told you everything, you probably didn’t notice all of the foreshadowing that’s been occurring in all of the Marvel movies so far.  Usually it was only one or two little things that you had to really focus to notice.  In Age of Ultron, practically every other scene had at least one thread of foreshadowing.  I haven’t been this freaked out since The Winter Soldier, and I’ve known what’s going to happen for a long time now.

Examples.

Ultron likes to use Scarlet Witch’s abilities to show the Avengers their greatest fears.  For Black Widow, it was the memory of her years as a KGB trainee and specifically the sterilization operation that was her “graduation ceremony.”  For Captain America, it was coming back to an empty dance hall at the end of World War II.  No foreshadowing with these, since these fears had already come to pass.

For three other Avengers, though, it’s a different story.

Let’s look at Stark’s first.

Near the beginning of the movie, the Scarlet Witch shows Stark his greatest fear: all of the Avengers laying dead at his feet and knowing that it was all his fault.  It’s a pretty awful fear, I’ll give you that, but it’s also some great foreshadowing for Captain America: Civil War.  No specifics here, but let’s just say that some pretty awful stuff happens and (in a way) it’s kind of Stark’s fault.  Not completely, but he’s definitely not an innocent party in this one.

Next we have Thor’s.

In his nightmarish fear, Thor finds himself walking into an Asgardian feasting hall only to have Heimdall grab him by the shoulders and blame him for leading them all into a battle that ultimately resulted in a massacre.  And then Thor gets electrocuted.  Read: everybody dies, and it’s all Thor’s fault.  That’s foreshadowing for Thor: Ragnarok. Again, no specifics will be mentioned here, but awful stuff happens and Thor’s literally the only one who can stop the awful.  It will not end very happily.

Finally, we have Banner’s.

We’re never actually shown what Banner’s fear is, but his reaction kind of spells it out for us.  He transforms into the Hulk and goes absolutely bonkers.  Even if we never saw him rampage, we all know just from listening to his words that Banner’s greatest fear is that one day he’ll turn into the Hulk and he won’t ever revert back.  That he’ll kill people – a lot of people – and that he’ll be unstoppable.  He even created Victoria – a specially-built containment orbiting the earth – as a fail-safe in case he ever completely lost it.  This is a set-up for World War Hulk, which I don’t think needs any explanation anyway.

After all of these fears being used as plot advancing tools (which, by the way, is a little ironic since the only fear that comes true in this movie turns out to be Scarlet Witch’s), there are a couple more instances.

Like this scene near the end of the film when the Vision saves Scarlet Witch from a falling city.

Yes, they are a thing.  You’re allowed to ship this.

And then the end credits scene with Thanos and the Infinity Gauntlet.

All of the Marvel films to date have been setting up for the big two-part Avengers: Infinity War that will be releasing in a few years.  I just hope that they handle those two movies well; otherwise, they’ll have built it all up for nothing.

There was a lot more plot development and foreshadowing splattered here and there, but I’ll let you find the little ones yourself.  Of course, I could spend time talking about Barton’s secret family and Romanoff x Banner, but that would make this an even longer post than it already is.  Suffice to say, I think giving Barton a family makes perfect sense and was handled very well.  Joss Whedon’s going to have to work a lot harder to sell me on Romanoff x Banner, but I can kind of see how that could work.  I’m sure it won’t work long term for various reasons, but it’s an okay idea…I think…

ACTING:

What I really liked about this film – and about all Marvel movies, honestly – is that through all of the fight sequences we still get great plots and even greater character development.  Whereas Avengers focused more on the development of Rogers, Stark, and Fury as leaders, Age of Ultron spent a lot of time on Banner, Romanoff, and Barton.  Even the Maximoff twins got some excellent character development.

First off, Romanoff.

She’s always been cool, but this time we got to see the scared side of her.  We got to look into her memories of everything she went through to become a great KGB assassin.  And honestly?  It was awful.  Scarlett Johansson continues to do a wonderful job of letting us see a woman who is cool and confident but who is also a scared and scarred little girl deep down inside.  When the Avengers went to Barton’s safe house to briefly escape from Ultron’s rage and regroup, we got to see Romanoff interacting with his kids.  It was so sweet and a little sad because you know – like she does – that she can never have any biological children of her own.

Stupid KGB.

Anyway.

As I mentioned a little bit earlier, there’s also a very obvious Banner x Romanoff going on throughout this movie.  It honestly feels a little contrived to me; however, the next films may put more effort into both exploring and further developing this relationship.

You’re still going to have to work extra hard to get me on board this ship, Whedon.

Next we have Dr. Banner.  He actually helps Stark build Ultron (as a too-quick response to Stark’s Scarlet Witch-induced nightmare), which I found quite interesting.  Banner doesn’t strike me as the type of person to help create something that would end evil before it happens.  In fact, he initially doesn’t want any part in this project.  Stark convinces him – albeit a little too quickly, in my opinion – and voila!  Ultron.

Banner’s fears about going out of control one day are also discussed a bit more fully.  In fact, we get to watch him lose control and destroy a good chunk of a South African city before Stark comes in with the Hulkbuster suit.  More than anything, though, we get to see Banner when he’s himself: listening to opera to try and calm down, doing the science that brings Ultron to life, discussing his fears and his feelings with Romanoff.  Banner is growing as a character, and the Hulk is, too.

I suppose I should mention that even though I’m nowhere near sold on this romance, the lullaby that Romanoff does with the Hulk to make him sane again is quite interesting and sort of cute.

“Sort of” being the keyword.

Then we have the baddie.  The trailer for Age of Ultron gave me the impression that Ultron was going to be more brooding and angry than he actually was.  Like an evil, robotic Batman or something.

What we got instead was a guy with a dark sense of humor who gets easily ticked off, is quite full of himself, thinks he’s always right, and isn’t afraid to do the morally ambiguous (really just downright wrong) thing to accomplish a good goal.

In other words, he’s a big, metal, conscience-less version of Stark.  Ultron even beats Stark to some punchlines, which is pretty funny.

James Spader did a superb job making this baddie – like many of Marvel’s other villains – likable, understandable, and yet so obviously evil.  Brilliant is really the only other adjective I have for his performance.

Scarlet Witch had some excellent character development as she went from tormenting others with their fears to ultimately facing and overcoming her own.  The introduction of Barton’s secret family also gave us a new angle on Hawkeye that was quite cute and refreshing (his children are adorable, and his wife is definitely the sort of person I could look up to).  While he was “born” near the end of the film, The Vision is a character that I’m definitely looking forward to seeing grow and mature throughout the next films.  His relationship with the Scarlet Witch will definitely be something that I will watch with great interest.  And Andy Serkis’ cameo as a wanted arms dealer was also great fun to behold (though I’m pretty sure that getting your arm ripped off by an angry robot probably hurts and bleeds a lot more than, well, the reaction we actually got).

There wasn’t a whole lot of character development for Rogers, Stark, Fury, or Thor, but they’ve already gotten quite a bit.  The other characters need their fair share, too.

VISUALS:

Just how many adjectives can I use to describe Age of Ultron’s look?  Not enough.  The fight scenes were excellently choreographed, the cinematography was elegant yet purposeful, and the special effects were quite beautiful.  The only thing that I would like to see better would have to be The Vision’s costume.  I’m not really liking the suit and the cape looked much too flimsy; however, every hero gets a new outfit in every movie, so I’m sure he’ll look even better in the next one.

OVERALL:

Overall, Age of Ultron was definitely what I’ve learned to expect from Marvel and Disney.  Although it had a pretty generic plot, the thread of the story was handled very well with some wonderful witty parts, sad parts, caring parts, scary parts, you name it and it was probably there.  The foreshadowing throughout was excellent, and all of the subplots felt necessary rather than extra fluff or heavy enough to weigh down the main plot.

The visuals were stunning, the acting was spot-on, and the cinematography and OST really brought everything together.

Plot – 8 out of 10 (would have been a higher score if it had a less-generic plot and if I was actually sold on the Romanoff x Banner subplot)

Acting – 10 out of 10 (with 11 out of 10 for Spader as Ultron)

Visuals – 9.5 out of 10 (please, just please, give The Vision a better uniform in the next film, thanks)

Re-watchability – 10 out of 10

Overall – Definitely worth seeing in theaters and buying on Blu-ray.  Parents and sensitive viewers should be aware, though, that there are some frightening images, quite a bit of language, and a whole ton of violence.  If you want to know any specifics about the content, check out this article from PluggedIn.

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Those of you who saw the film, what did you think of it?  Was there something you loved, something you disliked, something you’re excited for, or something that you thought could have been handled better?

I, for one, am quite excited for the next Marvel films…even though I know that they’re just going to tear the heart out of me.  Ah, well.  At least I’ve known a lot of the big plot spoilers for a while now.  It shouldn’t hurt too badly (fingers crossed).

God bless you!

– Chrisi –

Art Spotlight – Kang Dae Sung (BIGBANG) Portrait

Last week I made a new Life Update post, and in it I showed a brief glimpse of a portrait I was working on for a school assignment.  Well I’m happy to report that as of this morning, it’s officially done!  WOOHOO!

As the tagline for this blog very clearly states, I don’t draw “real people.”  There are a variety of reasons for this, but the biggest one is honestly because I’m far from a professional artist.  There’s no guarantee that my portrait of you would turn out properly.  And even if it did, you may not like what you would look like on paper.  It’s just easier for your self-esteem and my stress level to nix all portrait requests in the bud before they even start stacking up.

Plus, the characters that I do draw are ones that I have made up.  They can complain all they want about how they look, but nobody’s feelings get hurt.

Win-win.

But for this assignment I broke my own rule.  I discovered that I needed a header of some sort for the website I’m making for my Interactive Design class.  I didn’t really know what to draw, and all of my landscapes were turning out pretty garbage-y.

Then it hit me.

Ever since “Loser” and “Bae Bae” were released a few weeks ago, I’ve been thinking a lot more about BIGBANG than usual.  It makes sense.  This is their first time working together in three years, and they’re coming out with some fun and amazing new music.  Plus, according to an article I read earlier today, the group might be appearing on Running Man again.  The only thing that would make me more excited than I already am would be if I were able to see them live in concert sometime.

(So a U.S. tour would really be awesome, hint-hint nudge-nudge)

Anyway.

With all of that awesomeness happening and the deadline for the project hanging lower over my head, I decided to break the no-drawing-real-people rule I’ve had for almost seven or eight years.

So, without  further rambling, allow me to present the process for my digital portrait of one of BIGBANG’s vocalists, Kang Dae Sung.

 

As with all of my art, I started out with the basic sketch.  I use a light pencil tool in various colors so I can really see what I’m doing.  Turquoise is usually for the body/skin, dark blue for the face, and dark red for the hair.  I try to keep my sketches very clean and detailed so the inking process goes as smoothly as possible.

For this portrait, I was also trying to get as realistic as I could, particularly in regards to Kang Dae Sung’s facial expression.  He has a wonderful kind of smile that really makes a bad day feel a lot better.  I really wanted to capture that in this portrait, so I spent an obnoxious amount of time studying my reference photo so I could get it just right.  Obviously his smile is a lot better in person (no, I don’t know that from personal experience), but I’m really happy with how well this turned out nonetheless.

Then it’s on to inking!  I use a G-Pen tool in the darkest black possible and ink with a lot of small, quick strokes.  A classmate informed me that my inking process looks really mind-numbing, but once you’ve practiced a lot it’s not so hard.  If anything, it can be rather soothing work.  I also took this opportunity to try out a new inking method that I saw on YouTube, which worked wonderfully.

After I finished inking, I deleted the sketch layers and it was on to–

COLORING!

If inking is soothing, then coloring is like Heaven.  I kid you not, digital coloring is my preferred way to de-stress.  If I was any good at writing lyrics, I could probably write a song about coloring being my favorite thing.

I always color the skin first so I can match all of the other colors to it.  Finding the right shade for skin is a little difficult, but once you find it (and save it to your palette, ’cause nobody got time to try and find that again) the real fun begins.  For all of my coloring, I use the India Ink brush tool and sometimes an airbrush for shadows and lowlights.

Then on to his clothes and hair.  The color for his hair isn’t actually straight-up black because the reference photo I was using showed a very dark brown-black.  It took a while to find the right shade and I had to go a lot darker than I originally thought I would, but it looked great once I found it.

Finally, there was only one thing left to do…

After all, what’s a KPop idol if he doesn’t have a splash of color in his hair?

Besides sketching the face, these highlights took the longest to do.  Part of the issue was finding the right shade of blonde-ish to match the reference photo.  Part of the issue was my brush just being stupid.  The last part was because I was hurrying a little because I had an Old Testament History final in twenty minutes.  It’s not the best and I may go back and redo those highlights so they’re not so BAM IN YOUR FACE, but I’m still really happy with how this turned out.

Honestly, I was more than a little scared that this portrait would end up really awful and completely unrecognizable because I haven’t drawn a “real person” in almost ten years.  But I took my time, listened to a lot of KPop, tried to ignore the strange looks that people gave me when they glanced at my screen while I was in the library, and I think it all paid off in the end.

So, there you go.  A (very super concise) how-to-draw Kang Dae Sung tutorial-ish-thing.  I hope you guys like it, and maybe one day I’ll see if I can maybe do an even better job.  And maybe drawing “real people” isn’t as bad as I originally thought.

God bless!

 

– Chrisi –

 

Life Update #4

With finals coming up next week, my life is finally slowing down enough for me to post something.  So here before you is Life Update #4!

What I’m Reading:

If you’re a fan of Japanese manga, then you definitely need to read some Korean manhwa.  While they’re both very similar mediums, manhwas are read left to right instead of manga’s right to left, which makes it a little easier on a Westerner’s brain (unless you’re already used to reading manga).  One of my friends recently introduced me to manhwas by having me start reading one called “Cheese in the Trap.”

Oh.  Goodness.

It’s AMAZING!

If you’re interested in reading it, head over to this link to read the English fan translation.  It’s quite a fun and entertaining story.  I started it only a couple days ago, and I’m already halfway through Season 1.  This is definitely one that you’re gonna want to check out as soon as you can.

I also had a wonderful lunch meeting with the resident missionary at my school, and he suggested that I read a book called Harmony in Conflict, which is about Taiwanese culture (where he serves and where I’m considering working after graduation).  I haven’t picked it up from the library yet, but it’s very big so I’m honestly pretty excited about it.

What I’m Working On:

I know that my tagline for this blog is, “No, I won’t draw you.”  And I also know that that is exactly what I say to every person who has ever asked me to draw him; however, I just broke my usual refusal to draw “real life people” for school purposes.  See, each person in my Interactive Design class is supposed to build a website by the end of the semester.  Mine is almost done, but I noticed that I had a big empty space on my home page.  The site is dedicated to some of my best pieces of digital artwork, so I figured that I might as well make another piece to take up that empty home page space.  And with my excitement about BIGBANG’s two new singles (“Loser” and “Bae Bae”) nearly flooding out of me, I decided to forgo my usual refusal and draw a portrait of my favorite group member: Dae Sung.

I finished the sketch two days ago and have only gotten around to inking his head and hair so far, but I think he’s looking pretty good currently.  I’m also trying out a new technique for layering inks, so we’ll see how that works for me in the long run.  Below is a screenshot of the piece, which is being drawn using Manga Studio 5 EX (the pro version of Manga Studio).  I’ll post the final when I get it done.

What I’m Watching:

Currently I’m watching three new Korean dramas (I have a hard time just watching one at a time, ok?): Blood, Sensory Couple, and Jekyll, Hyde, and I.  I’m also watching an American football-themed anime called Eyeshield 21, which is surprisingly good.

What I’m Listening To:

I just recently discovered a Korean rock band called Royal Pirates.  Unfortunately they don’t dress up as steampunk pirates on-stage, but they do have some fun music.  The video below is of their song “Seoul Hillbilly,” which is one of my favorites.

So what have you guys been up to lately?  Are you all ready for finals, or should we just skip that week and go directly into summer?  😉

Hope all of your exams and summer job searches go well!  God bless you guys!

– Chrisi –

Infinity Dreams Award

It’s official: Something By Chrisi now has its first award!

Thank you so much to my friend Grace for nominating me for the Infinity Dreams Award.  If you haven’t already, you should definitely check out her blog: https://gracetfirefly.wordpress.com/.  She does some amazing writing, and is one of the sweetest people I know.

Acceptance Rules:

Thank and link to the nominator (see above).  List 11 facts about yourself, answer the nominator’s 11 questions, and nominate someone else with another 11 questions.  This award’s definitely got a thing for the number 11.

So, first off, 11 facts about myself!

1.  I’m a Missionary Kid (MKs Unite!)

2.  I love East Asian cultures and always want to learn more about them.

3.  I’m currently learning Korean, but I also really want to learn Chinese (though not without the help of a native speaker because I really, really don’t want to learn the tones incorrectly).

4.  I’ll be a Super Senior next year but will graduate from college while I’m still 21.

5.  I want to get my Masters in TEFL so I can teach English at an international school or university in East Asia.  Right now I’m really leaning towards China, South Korea, or Japan, but I’m definitely open to wherever God leads.

6.  My favorite color is black, followed closely by red.

7.  My taste in music is all over the place: from Asian pop, steampunk, Christian rock, and video game scores to opera, film soundtracks, worship music, and epic music.  The only genres that I really don’t like are hip hop, most rap, and American pop.

8.  I could literally live my whole life on egg rolls, sushi, wontons, and ramen.

9.  God’s been working on me quite a lot this semester, a lot more than the past twenty years combined (or so it seems).  It’s very difficult sometimes, but I keep being reminded to slow down and just enjoy living life with Him.  I’m excited for what the day holds for me now.

10.  I’m a theatre junkie.

11.  I talk during movies unless I’ve been asked not to.  The only time I don’t talk through a movie is when I’m in a theatre, and if anybody does talk in the movie theatre I get kind of ticked off.

Now for Grace’s questions:

1. What is one of your favorite/craziest/worst dreams you’ve ever had? (You can answer as many as you want and/or as apply.)

I don’t usually dream, and when I do they’re usually nightmares of some sort.  The only one I actually remember involved running through a world that looked like red and black static.  I was with a human-sized, psychotic, black mouse who would not stop laughing, and we were being chased by a skeleton who always had his mouth open.  The only time that this mouse and I managed to get even farther ahead of the skeleton was whenever we passed through a big square door frame that suddenly appeared.  I had that dream twice when I was about 14 or 15, so that’s the only reason why I remember it.

2. Have you ever met any well-known people (even if this is just well-known in your general area)?

Ummmmm… I know I got a football player’s autograph once, but that was a long time and he wasn’t very well known.

3. What is your middle name (no I’m not stealing it! I’m just borrowing it, you might say)?

Kaylee (but it’s a secret, shhhhhhh… ;P)

4. Would you rather be able to go into any picture and walk around in that world, or go into any fictional world at a time where the characters you know of are either dead or not born yet?

I’d rather go into the fictional world.

5. Who’s your favorite Avenger? Or, if you don’t do Marvel, your favorite superhero. Or your favorite, um, superpower. Or all of the above, I’m being generous today. =)

Favorite Avenger is Captain America.  If we’re being technical, then Deadpool is my favorite super hero (followed by the Winter Soldier).  But if you still consider them to be “bad guys,” then I’d have to say Nightcrawler.  And my favorite super power is regenerative healing, like what Wolverine, Deadpool, Agent Zero, and Sabretooth have.

6. Do you watch Studio C and/or Blimey Cow?

Both.

7. What’s your favorite YouTube channel (aside from those in #6)?

Uhhhh… I don’t usually do much of anything on YouTube.  But I’d have to say Toonboxstudio (he does drawing tablet tutorials) and sometimes Markiplier (who does… a lot of stuff, honestly).

8. What song most often gets stuck in your head?

Depends on the genre, honestly.  “The Stand” comes to mind often, as does “MAMA” by EXO-M (the Chinese branch of EXO), “Fantastic Baby” by BIGBANG, and “Riot” by Tedashii

9. Would you rather meet a movie star or a writer?

Probably a writer, just because I’d then be able to ask him about any problems I may have with my own writing.

10. Referencing your answer to #9, who would you meet?

Tolkien, if I could, but he’s kinda dead right now so that probably won’t work this side of Heaven.  ;P  Otherwise, I’d have to say Lemony Snicket.  He’s a brilliant author, and I’d love to get some tips or encouragement from him.

11. Star Wars or Lord of the Rings? 0=D

Lord of the Rings, hands down (though I do love Star Wars quite a bit).

And now it’s NOMINATION TIIIIIIIIIME!!

I nominate my friend Jacob Cullum at 3rd Rule Productions.  And here are my questions for you, good sir:

1.  You have the option to see Skillet or RED in concert, but you can only go to one.  Which one do you choose?

2.  Favorite TV show?

3.  What did you think of Guardians of the Galaxy?

4.  What’s your most favorite designing program?

5.  Justice League or the Avengers?

6.  What are your college plans (or your plans for afterwards, if you’re already a college student)?

7.  What project are you the most proud of?

8.  How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

9.  PC or Mac?

10.  Favorite story/memory about a family member?

11.  Favorite Bible verse?

Thanks again for the nomination, Grace!  It was quite fun getting to answer your questions.  =D

Until next time, God bless you guys!

 

– Chrisi –

The Somewhere Home

So you just met a new person.  Maybe you’ve been introduced by a mutual friend or a boss at your workplace.  Maybe you share a class together, or ran into each other at the library, or were sitting together on the bus.  Either way, you’ve met a new person and after you’ve asked his name, you jump right to the chase:

“So, where are you from?”

It’s a logical question to pose when meeting someone.  And most people have an answer loaded and ready to go.

I don’t.

You see, my parents are from the U.S., but one came from the north and one came from the south.  After they got married, they moved overseas to the Czech Republic as missionaries.  I was born over there, in the capitol city of Prague.  When I was two we moved to a little town in Germany’s Black Forest region, and on my fifth birthday we moved back to the States and moved twice since then (that was an awful birthday, oh my goodness).

So what do I say when someone asks me where I’m from?  I can’t say Czech because I’m not a citizen of that country even though I was born there.  I can’t say a specific city or state in the U.S. because I’ve lived in more than one.  I technically can’t even say the U.S. because even though I’m a citizen of this country, I wasn’t actually born here.

“Where are you from, Chrisi?”

“Nowhere.”

That’s been my response for a while now, frankly because it’s true.  Though I appreciate my American citizenship, I don’t think of the U.S. as my home.  Though I was born in Europe and have visited and lived in numerous countries across the globe, none of them are home.  I can’t name a specific state, or county, or street because my physical location has changed way too many times.

As far as I’m concerned, I’m from nowhere.  And if you think about it, it’s true.

When I tell people that I’m from nowhere, they get this strange look on their faces.  Almost like they’re wondering if I’m suffering from amnesia, or if I’m in some witness protection program and can’t give any details, or if I’m just crazy.  Then I have to explain the whole spiel about my family and where we’ve been, and then they understand.

But most people just focus on the places and the cultures.  Most people ask me if I’m actually American (the embassy liked it and put the U.S. flag on it, just so you know), if I speak another language or if English is even my first language, and if my family eats “weird food” (as if American cuisine isn’t bizarre).  Sometimes it’s fun to have people ask questions about my life, particularly when they really seem to be interested; however, you can only explain why America is not the world norm so many times before you start wanting to whack the naive, stupid people with a spoon.  That’s how most people respond when they find out about my beginning.

But there’s a minority – a small handful of people – who latch onto a different part of my origin story.  Sure, they’re interested in learning about European culture and hearing my stories and asking me how to say different things in German, but that’s not their main concern.  These few people latch onto the word “nowhere.”  They remember that I specifically said that I’m not from anywhere in particular, and that hurts them a little, I think.

They look at me with compassionate eyes and apologize that I’m not from anywhere.  They say that they hope I’ll be able to find a place to call home one day.  To which I simply used to shrug my shoulders and grin like it didn’t bother me.

It does bother me, though.  At least, it used to.

Fellow Missionary Kids (MKs), Third Culture Kids, and even Military Kids can empathize with me.  Having grown up in other countries and moved countless times, there’s not a specific place that they can point to on the map and say, “There.  That’s home.”  They’re raised to be part of the culture they currently live in and to be part of the culture they left.  MKs from the U.S. who grew up in Taiwan, for instance, are raised Taiwanese by their environment and American by their parents.  And if they get sent off to a boarding school in another country, then that’s another culture to add to the mix.  It creates a kind of identity crisis, but it’s not so much “Who am I?”  It’s “What am I, where do I belong, where am I from, where is my home?”

People generally think that we MKs have our stuff together.  I mean, we have to be pretty solid and mature to grow up overseas for any amount of time.  To a certain extent, that’s true.  On the other hand, though, we have our own problems.  While most other people go through a phase of wanting to know who they are, we MKs want to know what we are.  If my parents are American, then am I American?  But I was born in the Czech Republic, so am I Czech?  And then I lived in Germany, and I still have many memories from there, so am I German?

I still remember hearing a story about an MK who was so distressed that he committed suicide in his boarding school dorm.  I know of another MK with alcohol and drug addictions.  I know of other MKs who have so many difficulties trying to adjust to going to college in the States, and others who fall away from God because they can’t find answers concerning who they are and where they came from.  You wouldn’t think of MKs as an unreached people group, but we are.

Even though my family came back to the States on my fifth birthday (I still wanna know who planned that, ’cause that was a horrible way to spend my birthday, thanks), I struggled to adapt to this new culture.  Even now as I’m attending college, I still struggle sometimes with knowing where I belong.  So “Nowhere” became my answer to those questions, and I’d grin and act like I wasn’t bothered by that knowledge.  I’d get frustrated with people who just wanted to know about the countries I had lived in, thinking that they didn’t care about me and what I was going through.  But then the few people who seemed to “feel sorry” only expressed it in the wish that I’d “find a place to call home soon,” and that made me scoff inside.

“What do you know?”  I’d think to myself.  “You’ve never been out of the U.S.  You grew up in the same, steady culture instead of having to mix a bunch of them together.  I may be the same age as you, but at least I’m smart enough to know that I’m not going to find a home on this planet.”

One day, I actually started thinking about that.  “I’m not going to find a home on this planet.”  That’s kind of depressing, if you think about it.  I’m surrounded by my own species and some amazing landscape, and yet I know I’m not going to find a home here.  After some thinking, praying, and reading God’s Word, I’ve come to two conclusions:

1.  Home isn’t a place; it’s people.  That sounds really cliche and overdone, I know, but it’s true.  And oftentimes you don’t realize it until you’ve been away from the people you love.  In this sense, I have two homes: my family. and my friends.  My family is my main home, the one I’m the most comfortable being in and the one that’s always there for me no matter where I go.  My friends are the bigger home just because there’s more of them, and more keep getting added every day.  At both, I know that I can relax, be myself, and bless others.  Both will always be there for me, no matter what I’m going through or where I go or what I do.  Home on this side of Heaven isn’t a place; it’s my people.

2.  Home isn’t physical; it’s God.  I realized that the mere fact that I struggled with knowing where I belonged and where I was from meant that my final destination wasn’t here on this earth.  The fact that I knew I could never find a physical home on earth just meant that my home is in eternity with God.  I don’t know an awful lot about it and sometimes I can get a little scared when I start trying to put eternity into perspective, but I know that God will be there and that it will be perfect.  It’s more than that, though, because God’s with me right now, too.  Even if all of my family and friends abandoned me and I was left alone in the world, I’d still have God.  He says that He’s my shelter (Psalm 91), that He puts His hedge of protection around me, that He’s with me wherever I go (too many passages to list).  God is my home now when everything is wonderful.  He will be my home when everything falls apart and I’m alone.  And He’ll be my home for the rest of eternity.  That’s pretty cool, huh?

So I’m thinking that maybe I should change my response.  Maybe when people ask me where I’m from, I should stop saying “Nowhere” and start saying “From God.”  Actually, maybe not exactly like that, ’cause that sounds like the start to a really awful pick-up line (“Where are you from?”  “From God’s mind and moving into your heart, honey.”  Snap, don’t ever use that!  There are so many better pick-up lines to use!).  But you know what I mean.

I may not “be from anywhere” when it comes to a physical place.  I’m not “from America” or “from Czech” or “from this state or that city,” but that doesn’t mean that I don’t have a home.  I’m from my family, my friends, and ultimately from God.  Ultimately my identity isn’t found in who I think I am, or what country I’m from, or if my mother tongue is or isn’t English, or even in my family.  My whole identity is found in God, and that’s where I’m from.

 

God bless!

– Chrisi –